Going Through the Motions of Grief
by LieutenantjgMegAustin
Summary: Starts when Meg's father dies in the Vietnam War, and goes through her grieving process up until her first case with Harm. Please see Authors Note on Fic about dating etc
1. Default Chapter

**_A/N: I am speculating on how old Meg and her brother are and I assume he was older than her the way she compared him to Harm in one Episode. I am using her father's death in this fic. And I am calling her brother Ben because we don't know what his real name is. _**

_Austin Residence, Texas 1973 _

Four-year-old Meg Austin sat on her mother's lap, her nine-year-old brother, Benjamin on the arm-chair. Mrs Austin looked into her daughter's innocent blue eyes. _Baby, how am I going to tell you that your daddy is dead? _She ran her fingers through the thin golden hair and kissed Meg.

'Mama where daddy?' Meg asked her eyes wide with curiosity. Mrs Austin's tears fell and stained her daughter's horse t-shirt.

'Mom?' Ben asked. _Something's happened…the war should have been over by now, and dad should be coming home…_he looked at his baby sister. _Now I have to protect her. _Mrs Austin tightened her arms around Meg.

'Kids…your dad…Meg, honey, you know your daddy went to a place called Vietnam to help some nice people who were fighting some big bullies?'

Meg nodded, her tiny hands twirling her hair around, her mouth open and her big blue eyes full of wonder. _Where Daddy? Where Vie-am? _

'What Vie-am?' Meg asked, making her mother smile thinly.

'Vietnam is where daddy went to help sweetheart, it's far away. Well, daddy got in trouble with the bullies and they captured him…Honey remember when Ben's dog went to sleep for a very long time because the doggie angels liked him so much?' Mrs Austin spoke gently to her daughter, and her son just listened attentively. He knew where his mother was going, but this whole 'bullies', 'nice people' and 'doggie angels' was for the benefit of his baby sister who had no concept of death yet. Meg began tugging her mother's hair as she grew restless, and her attention span dwindled.

'Meg sweetie, listen to me,' Mrs Austin took Meg's tiny, delicate hands in hers. Meg looked at her mother again expectantly.

'Meg, the angels loved daddy so much that they took him away, and the bullies helped them, because they didn't like daddy.'

Ben was silent. Inside he steamed with anger, but he kept strong outside as Meg set up a loud wail and their mother stood up and carried her around the room, whispering calming things in her ear, but to no avail. Meg was crying loudly, her tiny body shaking. Mrs Austin wrapped her arms tightly around Meg, her daughter's delicate frame shaking with every sob.

'Shhh Meg,'

Meg eventually cried herself to sleep, and Mrs Austin carried her upstairs and put her to bed, Ben following.

'Oh Ben! He's gone!' His mother fell to the floor outside Meg's room. Ben knelt beside his mother and hugged her. _You're the man of the house now. You need to be strong for them. Especially Meg…_He let his mother go into her room, and lie down on the bed and cry. A little while later he heard Meg wake up crying and he went to her.

'Shh Meg darling…its okay…Benji is here…I'm here…'

_Five years later_

Meg moped around the house one afternoon after school, eventually sitting in the kitchen at the table and pulling out her homework. Her mother had told her about the Vietnam War, the Viet Cong and the POW camps just days earlier.

'Was daddy there?' Meg had asked when she was told. Mrs Austin nodded, and explained her use of analogies years earlier.

'You were young, too young to understand darling…'

Meg had accepted the explanation, but still maintained her father wasn't dead. She was quiet and drawn in these days, and her mother had her going to a child psychologist. Her daughter had been diagnosed with going through the stages of grief, a usual response to death or loss. Meg's denial and isolation had started three years ago when she was told her dad was dead. For twelve months, she had gone around asking when daddy would be home, where has daddy gone? It pained her mother and brother, and they were gentle with her. For the past two years she refused to believe her dad was dead even further, maintaining he was just on a deployment for the navy, a very long deployment. She had isolated herself from everyone and was adamant that her dad was coming back.

'Hey sweetie,' her mum said softly, bringing Meg an afternoon snack.

'Hi, when's dad going to be home?' Meg asked. Mrs Austin's heart broke again. Her daughter was still in denial about her dad…and she kept isolating herself, burying herself further and further in books and horse riding. Her mother put an arm around Meg's thin shoulders.

'Honey, your dad died five years ago,' she said gently.

'No he didn't, he's just on a long deployment with the navy,' Meg said angrily. 'You just want him to be dead because he went away!'

Mrs Austin looked at her daughter. Meg was lying on the floor in a heap yelling and screaming. Mrs Austin knelt beside her.

'Dad is not dead!' Meg ran up to her room with her books.

At school the next day, Meg was bullied by some of the older kids, and kids in her year. She was small and thin, and her isolationist attitude wasn't helping her gain friends either.

'Hey Meg, how long has it been since daddy died?' One of the boys in Ben's year taunted her.

'Yeah Meg, where's daddy? Missing him yet?' A girl in her year chided Meg.

'HE'S NOT DEAD! He just went on a naval deployment and hasn't come back!' Meg replied, half yelling. She bolted off to the library as Ben came up.

'Look Tommy, you leave my sister alone. She has enough to deal with,'

Tommy laughed snidely. 'Your brat sister thinks your daddy is coming home,'

Ben scowled at Tommy and walked away from him. No-one was allowed to talk about Meg that way. She was delicate and sensitive, and shy. And she was also very submissive. He found Meg later in the library crying over a novel, trying to escape the bullying. He gathered her in his arms.

'Come baby, its time to go home,'

A year later

'WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?' Meg stood in the rain and screamed at the sky, her tiny body soaked. Her brother ran out to her as she yelled and cried.

'Meg, you're going to get sick, come inside,'

'NO! I HATE HIM FOR LEAVING! I HATE HIM!' Meg shrieked as Ben tried to grab her. Meg bolted away and fell to the ground crying, her whole body shaking.

'DADDY I HATE YOU FOR LEAVING ME!' She screamed again, her voice growing hoarse.

'YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE! WHY DIDN'T YOU FIGHT?' Meg's final scream rang through the area and she collapsed in a small heap, rain wet and shivering. Ben picked her up delicately and carried her home.

Their mother ran out of the front when Ben got home and took her convulsing daughter from Ben. She whisked Meg away inside and into a warm bath. Meg woke up shivering.

'Mommy?'

'Shh darling I'm here,' Mrs Austin soothed her daughter, drying and warming her up before dressing her in warm pajamas.

'Come sweetie, you rest…go to bed,' Mrs Austin said to Meg gently, rocking her to sleep.

That afternoon in the rain caused Meg to become very sick. She came down with the flu, and her mother stayed by her side all day, and all night, mopping her fever-soaked face and trying to coax food into her weak body. Her anger was still strong. She absolutely _hated _her father for leaving her. _Hated _him so much, she began yelling at her mother, and hitting her weakly.

'Hate him! Hate him!' Meg screamed, hitting her mother's back as Mrs Austin hugged her. Meg's weak muscles did nothing. Eventually she collapsed on the bed, hitting the pillows. Mrs Austin watched her ten year old daughter do this to herself, yelling and screaming angry words to her dead father. Mrs Austin turned the photo of her late husband beside Meg's bed towards her daughter's pinched, pale and tear-stained face.

'DADDY WHY DID YOU GO?' Meg cried hoarsely, coughing and spluttering. She sneezed and then grabbed the basin by her bed and threw up, shaking.

'LEAVE ME ALONE!' Meg screamed at her mother, throwing a cushion at the door as she left. A few hours later, Doctor Gilbert, the psychologist Meg was seeing came on a house call.

'Meg, tell me what's wrong,' Doctor Gilbert said gently in her calm manner, trying to soothe the ten-year-old's pain.

'I hate him, he left me!'

'Your dad, honey?'

'Yes, he hated me so he left me!' Meg said stubbornly. She threw her teddy across the room angrily. 'He gave that to me just before he left for Vietnam. I never want to hear his name again!' Meg started hitting the psychologist, who calmly took the young girl's thin hands.

'Meg sweetie, your dad loved you, he didn't want to leave you darling,' Doctor Gilbert said gently.

'Uh uh…he wanted to die because he hated me,'

Doctor Gilbert sighed. 'Meg darling, he loved you.' She repeated to the small, traumatised girl. Mrs Austin came into the room and took Meg in her arms.

'Meg, he loved you. Remember how he would take you horse-riding before he went away?'

'NO, HE DIDN'T! NOBODY DOES!' Meg screamed through her tears. Mrs Austin held Meg tightly, calming her.

'That's not true baby, I love you darling girl, I love you…'

'I still hate daddy for leaving,'

'I know baby,' Mrs Austin looked at her daughter. Meg was still pale and thin and very sick, and had now, without notice, fallen asleep in her mother's arms. Doctor Gilbert left and Mrs Austin put Meg back in the bed, under the covers. She sat beside her daughter, stroking the fine golden hair and holding the delicate hand comfortingly. Meg's tiny whimpers through the night kept her mother awake with worry, and trying to comfort the little girl.

Meg's anger was long-lasting, two years in fact. Everyday she was angry meant more yelling at everyone, and it was her mother and brother who bore the brunt of this anger. One day, just after she had turned twelve, Meg bolted inside the house as she returned from an appointment with Doctor Gilbert, her mother behind her.

'Meg Austin!'

'WHAT? DO YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE IT ALL BETTER MOM? YOU HONESTLY THINK THAT? I HATE HIM, AND I ALWAYS WILL! NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE THAT!' The twelve-year-old was still fragile, but wouldn't hear any reason. She took any opportunity to floor her brother when he annoyed her, more out of anger and spite than anything, and spent her time yelling at the tiny memorial of her father in their garden, kicking dirt and stones on it. She found comfort in her horse, and would ride Garnet everyday, yelling at the sky, to her dad.

'Why did you leave me? I hate you!' She said to her father's tiny memorial stone they'd made. She kicked the stone and cried out in pain. She shrieked and yelled at the sky, at the tiny mound memorial, venting the anger against her father.

'YOU ABANDONED ME!' Meg screamed at the sky. Her mother had followed Meg out and now knelt beside her daughter.

'Meg honey, your father loved you, he didn't want to leave you baby…come now, darling listen to me. He loved you and will always love you. Nothing will ever change that,'

'HE DIED WITHOUT…HE PROMISED…YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME!' She screamed at the sky.

'Meg, honey…' Mrs Austin gathered her small daughter in her arms and hushed her.

'THE NAVY KILLED DADDY! I HATE THEM! I HATE THE NAVY!' Meg's cries where muffled in her mother's shoulder.

'No, the navy didn't kill your dad love, one day you'll know,'

'KNOW WHAT?'

'Who killed him…one day you'll know, you'll find out…'

'IT'S 1981! HOW CAN THEY NOT KNOW?' Meg shrieked and tried to run from her mother.

'I don't know, sweetie…he only died…the Vietnam War only ended eight years ago. One day we will know what happened,' Mrs Austin picked her daughter up and they got on Garnet, Mrs Austin sitting behind her daughter, taking them home.

_One day…when? I don't want to know ONE day, I want to know TODAY! _The steady rocking of the horse and the afternoon sun soon sent the twelve-year old to sleep.

_1985_

Twelve years after her father's death, Meg had reached the third stage of mourning, bargaining. She was sixteen now, and still her usual shy self, submissive and quiet. She still kept to herself at school, and had decided to pursue a career in the navy. _For dad, to honour his memory…_was her reasoning behind her decision.

'Mom, why did dad have to die? I mean he had us to come home to,' Meg was curled up on the couch in her mother's arms one day with a stomach bug. Mrs Austin kissed her daughter's forehead. Meg was her only child at home since Ben had left at nineteen to go to university. He was now twenty-one.

'Meg, darling…I don't know…he didn't want to die,' Mrs Austin grasped at straws with her youngest, still trying to deal with the death of her father twelve years previous.

'Then why didn't they capture and kill someone else?' Meg asked a small pout on her face. Mrs Austin tightened her arms around Meg.

'Sweetie, these things just _happen. _Now I know more information is coming to light about the Vietnam War as the years pass, but you can't go on like this!'

'Like what?' Meg asked innocently.

'Grieving,'

'But mom, I'm not…'

'Doctor Gilbert says you are honey…'

Meg felt tears slip down her face. 'I just wish he was here! He shouldn't have died.'

'I know, I know baby, but I've got you, and Ben, and we…'

'I don't care mom, I want dad back.' Meg pulled herself from her mother's arms and ran up to her room and slammed the door just as someone knocked on the front door. Mrs Austin went to open it and saw her husband's old friend, Ollie North there.

'Oliver, what took you twelve years to show up here and help us? Meg's…'

'How is little Meg?'

'Sixteen, and in the third stage of grieving, bargaining. She's not so little anymore,''

'Hey I'm sorry…I tried to stop them killing your husband but…how is Ben?'

'At university…come in,'

Ollie followed Mrs Austin in as Meg came down the stairs. She saw Ollie and scowled.

'Who do you think you are coming in here? My dad's memory hasn't even been laid to rest and…'

Mrs Austin grabbed her daughter in a hug. 'This is Oliver North, your dad's old friend…they were…' Mrs Austin watched as Meg put two and two together.

'Why couldn't he die? Why did dad have to die?'

Oliver went to Meg apologetically. 'Darlin' I tried to save your dad, because he talked about you so much, I knew you the minute I saw you…those eyes…he showed me your picture when times were down before we were caught. He loved you,'

'Then he had no reason to leave me!' Meg replied, sitting down, fuming. Mrs Austin placed her hands on Meg's thin shoulders. Meg traced patterns on the table with her finger while Ollie tried to talk to her.

'Meg, your dad was so brave, right up until the end. Really he was,' Ollie said to Meg calmly.

'I still don't understand why YOU got to live. It isn't fair,'

Mrs Austin gripped her daughter's shoulders tightly. 'War isn't fair love, lots of people died, and many of them with families,'

'Why was it dad, and not someone without a family?' Meg asked again, more emotionally this time. Ollie frowned.

'Because Meg, it was unavoidable. The Viet Cong were ruthless, they didn't care if you had family or not. We were all American, and all helping the South. They wanted us dead,'

'So how did you escape? Why didn't you help dad escape?' Meg asked Ollie.

'I couldn't! I barely saved myself. You're a child; you were merely a toddler when your dad died. You don't know what it was like; you'll never understand what it was like, okay? You will never know what war is like!' Ollie yelled at the sixteen-year-old, who blinked at him in surprise. Ollie's mouth dropped open when he saw the look of innocence on Meg's face and he began talking to her apologetically.

'Meg, sweetie, I didn't mean…'

'No, I understand,' Meg fled up to her room to be alone. Mrs Austin scowled at Ollie.

'She's very fragile! She has been since her father died!'

'Third stage of grieving? She'll…'

'You don't know that she'll be better soon! She has been seeing a child psychologist for this grieving process for a few years! She won't talk to anyone else!'

'I'm sorry, I just…she was asking too many questions!'

'She's in the bargaining stage of grief, what did you expect?'

Ollie shrugged. 'Your husband never said she was so delicate,'

'He loved that girl more than anything in the world! She was torn apart when I told her he was dead! Four years old! Do you know how hard it is to explain death to a four year old?'

Meg listened from the landing to her mother and Ollie. _Why you dad? I miss you so much, and I realise you were trying to protect our country but I still don't understand why it was you that had to die! _Meg crept into her room, curling up on her bed.

'Dad, you shouldn't have died…why did they have to be so mean? Why do people have to have so much hate in them that…that they kill other humans?' She asked out loud, not realising her mother was at her door.

'I don't know darling,' She took Meg in her arms again. Meg rested her head on her mother's shoulder, biting her lip in thought, a habit she would continue to have into adulthood.

'He called me a child,' Meg said softly. Mrs Austin kissed her daughter's head.

'Honey, I know…you're my baby, but you're anything but a child. You are a young woman, and you're the most beautiful, most intelligent girl in school,'

'No, I'm not. I…'

'Shh sweetheart, rest…' Mrs Austin eased her daughter into sleep.

'Hush sweetie, everything will be okay,'

Meg's High school Graduation

'Congratulations Meg, you did it!' Her mother picked her daughter up and whirled her around. 'I'm so proud of you! Going to the Naval Academy, becoming a naval lawyer and computer weapons specialist! Your father would have been proud!'

Meg smiled through her tears. _Yes, dad would be proud, if only he was here…_She shrieked as someone grabbed her from behind.

'Benji! You made it!' Meg hugged her big brother. Ben hugged his little sister.

'Sis, you made it! Come, we're going to celebrate,' He picked her up and carried her to the car, Meg laughing the whole time.

'Meg, where do you want to go?' Mrs Austin asked her daughter. Meg shrugged.

'I'm not bothered Mom, wherever,' Meg replied cheerfully. 'Surprise me,'

'Meg, honey, don't make it so hard! Do you want to go out now, or for dinner?'

Meg deliberated over the decision for a while, taking her cap and gown off.

'Dinner,' She replied. 'I'm not hungry now,'

'All right,' her mother replied, smiling at her daughter. Meg seemed lighter…maybe she was finished grieving.

At home, Mrs Austin called Doctor Gilbert, who was continuing to see Meg, and asked about her daughter's behaviour.

'Meg is still in stage three of bargaining Mrs Austin. I wouldn't be surprised if she plummets into depression soon,'

'But she's going to the naval academy, to become a naval computer weapons specialist and naval lawyer!'

'She'll still be able to do those things,' the Doctor reassured Mrs Austin. 'In the meantime, try and answer her remaining questions while she is in the final stages or bargaining. When she hits depression she is going to need all your attention and help,'

Mrs Austin watched her daughter laughing and smiling with her brother. _She seems happy…_Meg looked to her mother, and her face fell.

'Mom, what's wrong?' she asked. Mrs Austin smiled.

'I can't believe you're all grown up Meg. Look at you…oh I wish your father could have been here to see this,' Mrs Austin watched for her daughter's reaction. Meg's eyes clouded over and tears threatened to spill down her cheeks.

'Mom…' Ben started to say, drawing Meg's head onto his shoulder. 'Shh Meg,'

A tear rolled down Meg's cheek, lit up by the candle-light on the table. Meg pushed her dessert away from her. She didn't feel like eating right now. Ben tightened his arms around her.

'Do you want to go home?' He asked her softly. Meg nodded, and Ben signalled for the check. Their mother paid it while Ben escorted his little sister out and held her while she cried.

_Depression, _Ben thought, stroking Meg's hair. He helped Meg into the car and watched her curl up into a tight ball, squashing herself to one side of the backseat. Mrs Austin came back and got in the car, her eyes resting on Meg as her body shook with crying.

'Mom, what are we going to do?'

'She's in stage four, depression. I don't know Ben; we'll have to help her…'

'She's leaving for the naval academy and law school!'

Meg sunk deep into herself while at law school and the naval academy, but managed to keep her grades up. She had to, to achieve her dream. She went home every holiday, and threw herself into the work she had over that time, and became more drawn in than before. Her mother approached her one day as she sat on the couch watching TV after finishing her studying, dark rings under her eyes, evidence of sleepless nights.

'Meg honey, what's wrong?' Her mother asked softly, sitting beside Meg and taking Meg's thin, pale hands in hers.

'I miss him so much! I wish he was here,' Meg burst into tears and Mrs Austin lifted her daughter's upper body and rocked her gently. And she realised why Meg had been pushing herself – it was her way of dealing with stage four of grieving, depression. Through the sleepless nights…the constant crying and pouting, Meg was trying to hide away her depression from the world.

'Shhh darling…its okay, hush…' she rocked back and forth with Meg in her arms, her daughter's head resting on her shoulder. Meg whimpered as her mother rocked her, the pain in her heart too much.

'Mommy, I can't sleep! I dream about him every night, about him dying! About…about…the time I spent with him before he left, I miss him so much,'

Mrs Austin's arms tightened around her daughter's thin shoulders.

'I know Meg, but now listen to me. I know you're doing fine in the naval academy, but sweetheart, you're hardly eating.'

'I'm not hungry,'

'Meg, come…you're skin and bones. You really need to eat,' Mrs Austin said to Meg, pulling her into the kitchen.

'Just leave it mom!' Meg replied.

'No darling, you've been grieving for fifteen years already! When will it stop?'

'When I am ready! I have three years left at the Naval Academy before I go to Law School!'

'Honey…'

Meg burst into fresh tears and clung to her mother. Mrs Austin eased Meg into a chair.

'Come sweetie, have something to eat to keep your strength up,'

Meg finally gave into her mother and ate the food her mother prepared for her.

'Meg, it will be okay one day…you just need to get through this depression honey,'

Meg nodded silently as she ate. Mrs Austin stroked Meg's hair gently, sending calming waves to her daughter.

'Thanks mom,' Meg finished the meal and went back to the couch. Her mother heard her crying loudly. _Oh my darling girl, you're hurting so much and I can't do anything to ease your pain! _Mrs Austin started crying softly herself. Meg was struggling to complete the grieving cycle, and her mother worried that she wasn't going to. Quietly Mrs Austin dialled Doctor Gilbert, who arranged to come over the next day.

'Meg, is something wrong?' Doctor Gilbert asked her patient. Meg was lying on her bed, tears spilling down her face. Mrs Austin sat beside Meg, stroking her hair and face gently, Meg gripping her hand.

'I miss him, I want him back,' Meg said. 'I want daddy home,'

'Meg, you know he's dead,' the psychologist said calmly. She had been treating Meg since she was young, and knew what to say.

Meg nodded. 'Of course I know he's dead. If he was alive I wouldn't be talking to you now would I?'

The doctor shook her head. 'No Meg, we wouldn't be talking right now if your father was alive,'

'I want to find out how he died, I need to know.' Meg said to them firmly. Mrs Austin shook her head.

'Sweetheart, no! You'll just…I don't want to see you more upset than this, it will just hurt you even more my love.' Meg let her mother hold her tightly. She was right; it would just cause Meg more pain if she tried to find out exactly how her dad had died. Doctor Gilbert watched as Meg fell into a deep sleep and she left quietly, leaving mother and daughter alone.

'MEG!' Mrs Austin ran after her daughter as Meg ran out the house.

'Meg Austin, where are you going?' Mrs Austin asked as her daughter packed up her car.

'Back to the academy and themilitary cemetery at Arlington, I need to see dad,' Meg burst into fresh tears and put her head on the steering wheel. Mrs Austin got in beside her.

'Meg, honey come back inside darling, we can go to the grave together later.'

Meg let her mother lead her back inside. She threw herself on her bed and started crying loudly. Her mother followed her in, and sat beside Meg, rubbing her back.

'Hush baby…shhh now…' Mrs Austin whispered to Meg, whose body was shaking as she cried. Meg didn't look at her mother; instead she buried her face in her pillows, staining them with her tears. Mrs Austin eventually left her daughter, who cried herself to sleep and didn't awaken until the next day.

'Ensign Austin! You have a duty!' A senior officer from Computer Weapons had followed Meg during her lunch break. The twenty-three year old was six months out of the Naval Academy and had just started her law degree.

'With all due respect, sir…' Meg said shakily. She was kneeling by her father's grave, shaking and crying.

'It's been nineteen years, surely…' Lieutenant Commander Doyle said to her harshly.

'Like you'd know! You grew up with both parents,' Meg said to her partner, who was an all-out jerk.

'Time to come back to the office I think,' He said harshly to Meg before making a snide comment under his breath to her. 'It's your fault we're stuck there right now anyway,'

'Sorry,' Meg said softly. She had heard him.

Eighteen months later, Meg had reached Lieutenant junior grade. Lieutenant Commander Doyle kept at her throat, telling her off all the time. Meg was still going through the depression stage of her grieving, and would start crying at the slightest thing.

'Lieutenant, why don't you take some personal leave?' Admiral Burns said to her calmly in a meeting with her. Meg shook her head.

'Not possible sir, I have too much work here,'

'Meg, listen to me, you've been here since you were twenty-one…you're twenty-five now…'

'Yes sir, I know, and I am enjoying it,'

'Meg, I've seen the way Doyle treats you,'

Meg bit her lip. She didn't want special treatment.

'With all due respect sir, I don't want to discontinue my work here,'

Admiral Burns looked at Meg calmly. She was collected and knew what she wanted, a career in the navy.

'Then I'll transfer Doyle, I refuse to have one of my officers mistreated like that,'

Meg's face turned scarlet as Doyle entered.

'What have you done now Austin?' He snarled at Meg.

'It's you who's the problem. I am transferring you to Twenty Nine Palms. The Marines there need a staff Judge Advocate,' Burns said shortly.

'Gee Austin, what's wrong? Still crying over your father? He's DEAD!'

Meg ran out the room in tears.

'Doyle, get out of my sight!' Burns yelled. Doyle left the office, and growled at Meg who was staring mournfully at a photo of her father, tears streaming down her face.

Two years later

'Lieutenant JG Austin, your transfer to JAG in Falls Church has been successful. You may leave at anytime,' Admiral Burns said to Meg calmly as he entered her office.

'Thank you sir,' Meg replied. She started packing her desk up.

'Meg, we're going to miss you here,'

'No-one will miss me sir, I was just…'

'…grieving and you are almost there now. Take care Meg,'

Meg looked up, her face tear-stained from a fresh round of crying. 'Of course sir,'

Meg stood in front of the Vietnam War Memorial Wall and traced her father's name that was engraved there.

'Dad, I miss you so much! I wish you hadn't left, because I have needed you so many times while growing up…' silent tears ran in rivers down her pale cheeks.

'I start at JAG tomorrow, I did it. I joined the navy, became a Computer Weapons Specialist and now I'm a navy lawyer…now is one of those times that I need you…mom and Ben can't help with this…God I need you so much dad!'

The helicopter landed in a park in Washington and Lieutenant Harmon Rabb was called over to it. As he got in, he was greeted by Commander Lindsey.

'Lieutenant Rabb, glad to find you,' Lindsey said as Harm put the harness on as they took off.

'What's my assignment sir?' Harm asked.

'Shadow torpedo fired from the USS Tigershark, you need to determine who did it and how. This is Lieutenant JG Austin,'

Harm was putting his orange suit on for transport to and from the submarine, he stood over Meg.

'Pleased to me you sir,' Meg said as they shook hands.

'You too Lieutenant,'

'Lieutenant Austin will be joining us at JAG from now on Rabb,'

'I'm sure Lieutenant Austin is an excellent lawyer,' Harm said to Lindsey. Meg smiled.

'Thank you sir,'

'Lieutenant Austin is a computer weapons specialist,' Lindsey added as Harm and Meg connected with their eyes.

'I thought you were a lawyer,' Harm was confused but Meg just smiled at him.

'I'm multi-talented sir,'

'I'm sure you are,' Harm replied, grinning back at her. He noticed something strange about her, but let it go.

'No you're not but in time I'll prove it to you,' Meg replied. The past few days her heart had felt lighter. She hadn't broken down for ages when she thought of her dad, or heard him mentioned. She looked at Harm a little longer, until Lindsey snapped at her.

'Get back to reading that briefing Lieutenant,'

Meg turned from Harm and started to read the file in front of her. _I'm there, I have finally accepted Dad's death…it has taken me twenty-three years but I made it…and I love him even more because I know he'll always be with me. _

'Stage five, acceptance…' Meg murmured softly as she read the file, smiling to herself. Neither Harm nor Lindsey knew what she had said, and neither of them saw her smiling, but Meg was happy, because she had survived the grieving process, and was now at peace with herself and her father's death.


	2. Chapter Two

**Part Two**

Lieutenant JG Meg Austin sat in her office pouring over some articles of how naval, marine, air force and army officers died in the Vietnam War. _Agent Orange…friendly fire…MIA…Viet Cong booby traps…torture in POW Camps…how did my dad die? _She wondered. She had completed the grieving process two weeks ago, but she still wanted answers. _Answers that might cause you to start the grieving process again Austin, _she admonished herself harshly. She heard a knock at the door, and looked up. A smile spread over her face.

'Hey Harm,' she said softly. Meg had saved him two days before from being murdered in Arlington Cemetery by the Thai Ambassador's life. He was very grateful. He smiled back, and noticed the file as she tried unsuccessfully to hide it.

'Hey Meg…what's that?' He said, taking the file from her.

'Vietnam War deaths, Meg? Causes of death…people who died…bodies found…Meg what is this? Why are you reading this? It's awful stuff Lieutenant!' Harm said, concerned. Meg blushed.

'You wouldn't understand sir…'

'Try me Lieutenant,'

'You won't be able to do anything Harm…' Meg bit her lip, and her eyes travelled to some information she had accessed on the Web.

'Meg, why this stuff?' Harm sat in front of his junior partner, putting the file back down in front of her.

'Because my dad died in the Vietnam War when I was four years old, Harm. I just spent twenty-three years going through the grief cycle, and only the week I met you did I fully accept he was gone. I just want to know HOW it happened. I was never told that,' Meg explained carefully. She watched Harm's expression. He understood.

'Meg, my dad went MIA on Christmas Eve 1968, I was five…he was an F-14 pilot, part of why I decided to become one. Now, I don't know if he is dead, or alive, and if he is alive where he is, but I'm guessing he is dead. I know that doesn't help, but this might. I'll help you,'

'Help me what?' Meg asked him with an innocent look on her face. Harm smiled. He loved that look. She was so sweet, and kind.

'I'll help you find out how your dad died,'

Meg jumped up and ran around to hug him.

'Easy on there Meg!' Harm said as she released him. Meg just smiled, collecting her notes and printing an article off the Net.

'You don't know what that means to me Harm,'

Harm smiled. 'Have you checked your dad's service record? That might have some answers. Also, what about old friends from his battalion…'

'No, I have checked the service record. I tried but whoever was in charge of that stuff wouldn't release it to me,'

'Did you…'

'I said I was his daughter,' Meg replied. 'And I don't know any friends from his battalion, maybe one, but I am not talking to him right now, and haven't since I was sixteen,'

Harm sighed. The problem was, Meg still had that sixteen year old in her. It was in her eyes.

'Come, we'll go get that record, see if that has some clues,' He led her out of her office and took her to the Naval Archives.

'Lieutenant JG Austin would like to get her father's old service records,' he said to the person in charge.

'Can she prove she is his daughter?'

'Just give her the damn records,'

'Lieutenant Rabb, I see no reason…'

'I also need them, as I am conducting some research on families ripped apart by the Vietnam War. I wanted to contrast Lieutenant Austin's family experience to my own,' Harm lied. They were let through and fifteen minutes later a box was dumped unceremoniously in front of Meg.

'This is what was found of his and his service record,'

Meg began pulling things out the box, but Harm stalled her.

'How about I go see if you can keep this?'

Meg smiled. 'Thank you,' she continued to go through the box, finding titbits of her father's past. His shoulder bars, ribbons, and a few medals as well as some old family treasures he had taken with him, his watch, the service record, Death Notice and an envelope, which had never been sent with her name on it. Her hands shook as she picked it up. Harm re-entered.

'It's all cleared Meg. That box is yours…I had to pay…'

'Here let me pay you back,' Meg said hurriedly. Harm shook his head.

'Meg, no. Just let me do this for you, you have enough to go through there at home.'

Meg started putting everything back, starting with the letter.

'Will you…come over to my place tonight and…go through it with me?' Meg asked.

'What about your mom? Your brother or other family members?'

Meg shook her head. 'No, they're fine; they don't want to know how he died. I need to know Harm, and I need you there when I find out.'

'Okay Meg. How about I bring Chinese over?'

'That'll be nice,' Meg replied as she lifted the box and they left.

Meg's Apartment

Harm and Meg sat on the floor by her couch, going through the box. Harm picked up the shoulder bars.

'Your dad was a Lieutenant…'

'Yeah, pretty short naval career…I guess mine will be too,'

'My dad was a Lieutenant when he went MIA, and by no means will your career be short Meg,' He caught her smiling and she mouthed a silent _thank you _to him. Her father's stuff lay strewn around her and Harm, each one a distant memory for her. She picked up a small wooden Buddha, and saw an inscription on the bottom.

'_For my darling Meg, rub his belly for good luck_

_Love Dad'_

Meg wiped a tear away, but rubbed the Buddha's belly, making Harm smile. She passed it to him.

'It's nice Meg,' Harm said as she picked up the service record. She began reading it carefully until she came to the death report. She fought back the tears as she read the cause of death.

'_Torture by the Viet Cong, Agent Orange immediate effects…' _Harm took the file from her and read it.

'It was painful and slow…he suffered,'

'Meg, it's okay…here, read the letter…' Harm said uneasily, processing the information himself. He did so while he watched Meg open the letter and read it, the last remnant of her father. Harm packed the rest of the stuff in the box safely, but left the little wooden Buddha out for Meg. Meg unfolded her dad's letter and began to read.

_Dearest Meg_

_It saddens me to know that if you are reading this I have not come home from Vietnam. Honey, I know that you may not get this until years after my death for several reasons, but I want you to know that that is how I wanted it. I wanted you to get this when you were old enough to understand what happened in the sixties and seventies, and what happened to me._

_Meg, I loved you so much. I remember singing you to sleep at night before I left. I remember the day you born; you thin blonde hair and tiny hands and feet. You were the littlest baby in the nursery, and I loved you from the moment I saw you._

_You kept me going through the hardest of times while I fought. I would think of you and the whole world would become clear and I knew what to do. Baby, when you find out what I was doing, it may chill you, but know I loved you the whole time, and that I did it to save America._

_I'm sorry I had to leave your life so soon sweetheart, and if you had trouble letting go, I hope it didn't last too long, and that you eventually discovered the truth behind my death, because if I know my baby girl, she is nothing like her mother and brother, and would want to know everything for peace of mind. _

_Take care darling girl; we will meet again one day_

_Love_

_Daddy_

Meg was in tears by the end of the letter, and was shaking as she put it back into the envelope and into the box. Harm moved the box and went closer to her, wrapping his arms around her as she cried.

'How are you Meg?'

'I feel more at ease knowing how it happened…if that makes sense…'

'Yeah…you have the whole story now, and you can be at peace.' He said gently. Meg nodded.

'The letter was lovely, and it reminded me of how much I miss him still.'

'Meg, you will always miss your dad. Nothing will ever change how much you loved him, or how much you miss him. Just remember he loved you…and I will always be here if you need me,'

Meg pulled away from him, smiling through her tears.

'Thank you Harm. Thank you for helping me do this. I feel lighter now. You have really helped me,' Meg said, hugging him tightly.

'Anytime Meg, anytime you need me, I'll help you,'


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N: I am speculating on how old Meg and her brother are and I assume he was older than her the way she compared him to Harm in one Episode. I am using her father's death in this fic. And I am calling her brother Ben because we don't know what his real name is. **_

**Part Three**

A few days later Meg was going through her dad's service record again, reading it carefully. She didn't notice when two envelopes fell to the floor, as she was so engrossed in the file. Meg heard a knock at the door. Scrambling to get it, she saw the envelopes and grabbed them without looking at them.

'Meg, are you in?' Harm said from the other side. Meg practically ran at the door to unlock and open it.

'Yes,' she said to him. Harm grinned. He was holding some chicken soup.

'Can I come in?'

'Of course,' Meg replied, coughing. Harm led her to the table in her kitchen.

'Still have that cold?' Harm asked her. Meg nodded.

'Yep, you'd think three days would be enough for it to go away.'

Harm poured the soup into a bowl and gave it to her. The two envelopes she had grabbed dropped onto the table, and only then did Meg see who they were addressed to.

'Harm, my dad wrote letters to mom and Ben…' Meg said slowly, looking at him, confused.

'Of course he did Meg; they were his family too,'

'I know but how do I tell them? I mean what do I do…they accepted his death long ago, and they said that they didn't want to dwell on his death. Basically they accepted he was gone and this would…they don't want anymore to do with what happened to him. It's history, past…he died twenty-three years ago, and it took me that long to accept his death!' Meg said to him, almost in tears. Harm held her arms lightly.

'Hey, calm down, you can do this Meg,'

'I know I can, but it's _how _I'm going to do it Harm. I don't know if I should go there and give the letters to them, call, have them come up here…' Meg was silenced by Harm shoving a spoonful of soup in her mouth. She grinned at him.

'You let it get cold Meg, I'll heat it up again for you,' Harm took the bowl and zapped it in the microwave while his partner muttered to herself.

'Hey just concentrate on getting better Meg,'

'I am…I only just found the letters…'

Harm sat beside her and put his arm around her. 'Well when you are better you can think about what to do with them some more,' He got up when the microwave beeped and got the soup out and gave it back to her.

'Now eat it before it goes cold Lieutenant,'

'Yes sir,' Meg replied, and ate her soup quietly while Harm went over the service record thoroughly.

'Your dad seemed like a great guy Meg,'

'He was…Harm I can't do this, I mean giving them the letters…its twenty-three years too late,'

'Hey you can do it and its not your fault, if anyone is to blame, it is the navy,' Harm said firmly.

'Meg, I gotta go…look I hope you're feeling better and if you need me, call.'

Meg hugged him. 'Thank you Harm,'

Meg stood outside the door of her old home, the letters in her hands. She went to knock when the door flew open and her mother lifted her up.

'Oh my darling girl! You're so beautiful! How's life in the navy?'

'It's good…can I come in mom?'

Mrs Austin led her daughter in, taking the bag she had brought.

'I don't want to stay long. I…went to the Naval Archives about a week ago and they gave me dad's old service record and the stuff they recovered from his platoon leader. I don't know if you want to see any of it…'

'Meg Austin! How dare you…' Mrs Austin was angry at her daughter. Meg stood her ground.

'I had to know how he died. I know you didn't want to, or maybe you knew and you never told me, but there was a letter for each of us. These are yours and Ben's. I have read mine, and I intend to keep what I received from the archives because I want a piece of who my dad was so I can at least tell my children about him,'

'You're twenty-seven years old! Why are you thinking about kids?'

Ben came down at this moment to hear his mother yelling at his sister.

'What did she do? Hey Meg,' Ben hugged his younger sister tightly.

'Your sister had the nerve to go and get your father's old service record and whatever his platoon leader sent. I told them I didn't want it. Now she says there were letters for us,'

Ben looked at Meg and she handed him the envelope. 'If you want to…I think he wrote them in case he died…he must have known, the way mine was worded.' Meg's voice was gentle again.

'Mom, she has…' Ben started to say. 'I want to know what dad's final words to me were,'

Mrs Austin rolled her eyes and took the envelope from Meg. She opened it grudgingly and began to read.

_To my darling wife,_

_If you are holding this letter, I have not survived Vietnam. I can only hope you keep my memory alive through Benjamin and Meg, our beautiful children. Meg will need you. You have to take special care of my baby girl, because I can't. _

_I can't be there to help her, you must do that now. When she asks about me, tell her everything, don't leave anything out, and no matter how often she asks tell her, because that is how she will keep my memory alive. Don't spare her age. If she wants to know how I died at a young age, you must tell her and explain it gently to her. She is the most darling girl in the world, remember that._

_Don't forget our love; it won't die if you keep it alive. Keep it alive in my memory, in Meg, in Ben and in your daily life. I am forever yours, and I will always be there to guide you, no matter what happens._

_Forever yours,_

_Your loving Husband_

Mrs Austin put her letter down. 'I suppose what he said is void now. You have the records. You know,'

'Yes I do…' Meg looked away ashamed. Her mother took her hands.

'Enough of that. Tell me what you're doing,'

'I'm a Computer Weapons Specialist, and a JAG lawyer. I have a wonderful partner who is also my friend. He takes care of me. I was sick with a cold and he took care of me.'

Mrs Austin smiled. 'At least you have someone to count on,'

Ben sat in his room to open his letter. It was something he wanted to do alone. In trepidation the young man opened his letter and began to read.

_Benjamin,_

_Son, you are only nine years old and yet you are now the man of the house. Your little sister may not understand everything at first, but not only that she will need you to protect her. Benjamin, I never intended for this to happen, and you may feel angry, but please just take care of little Meg for me. Tell her stories about her dad, the hero…anything you can remember about me, tell her when she goes to bed at night. _

_Your mum will need you to be strong Benjamin. Son, I am so sorry about what has happened but know I will always love you. Cherish the family you have, protect your sister. She needs you now._

_Love_

_Dad_

Ben put the letter aside and went downstairs to his mother, but found Meg alone crying.

'Meg, my darling! Where's mom?' He swooped down on her, wrapping her in his arms.

'She went out to run some errands. Ben, I miss him,'

'I know baby, so do I. You did the right thing in bringing the letters, thank you. How long are you here for?'

Meg paused. 'I think I should go Ben, I have work back in Washington, Lieutenant Rabb will be worried and Commander Lindsey will have my neck if I'm not there tomorrow,' 'Meg, you are lying, now stay for a few days darling,' Ben said gently.

'I can't…'

'You can, Lieutenant Rabb knows you're here, and you wouldn't be here unless Commander Lindsey approved your leave,' Ben argued with her. Meg scowled.

'Leave it Benjamin! Clearly mom didn't want me here…she didn't want that letter, she didn't want to know anymore about dad's death!'

Ben floored his sister easily, her small body collapsing under his without too much pressure.

'Meg, listen. Mom and I accepted dad's death long ago while you were still grieving. Don't start the process again now, because of a few letters and things found and kept at the naval archives.'

'I'm not grieving Ben, dad's dead. I accept that. I just want some answers to some unanswered questions.' Meg replied, pushing him off her. She got up and brushed some hair from her eyes.

'I'm leaving; it seems I was not really wanted here right now!' Meg grabbed her bag and ran out the house, Ben chasing after her. She grabbed a cab and rode to the airport before he could stop her.

'Damn it Meg! What the hell is your problem?' Ben said to himself as she disappeared.

'Meg? What? Okay, I'm coming. I thought you were spending the week there…okay, calm down…' Harm said as she called him frantically.

'They didn't want to know Harm, I tried to tell them, and they said I was being stupid and…' Meg was cut off by Harm.

'You wanted answers. You wanted to know the truth. That's not wrong Meg. I'll be there soon Austin,' Harm hung up and drove his Corvette to the airport to pick her up.

'Thank you! I had to get home, it was unbearable. They said that it was my fault for bringing old skeletons out the closet.' Meg said as Harm grabbed her bag and took her to his car.

'Meg, its okay Anyway, Lindsey will be happy to have you back. He regretted giving you the leave,'

'Figures,' Meg replied. Harm cuffed her lightly.

'Okay Austin, I'm going to take you home so you can get into your uniform. We have a case,'

'What's the case?'

'Supposedly a UFO crashed in the Desert…so you'll be wearing your khaki's.'

Meg nodded and pulled out her own letter from her dad.

'They never let me show them mine,'

'The letter is private, Meg, keep it to yourself,' Harm squeezed her arm gently in reassurance. Meg smiled at him.

'You're right. I shouldn't have gotten so worked up,'

Harm laughed at her as they arrived at her apartment.

'Come Austin, I'll come up and wait while you get ready,'

'Thanks Harm, you're a great friend,'

_A great friend. _She thought of him only as a friend. Harm sighed.

'I think I'm falling in love, Meg…' he said softly to himself.


	4. Chapter 4

**Part Four**

Harm watched Meg's chest rise and fall. _Damn it, I should have pulled her out of this stupid undercover job…I should never have agreed to her doing it! _Meg had collapsed after inhaling gas during an exercise at the Marine Boot Camp where she was undercover as Private MacIntyre when someone had yanked her gas mask off. She had stumbled outside and fallen to the ground in the rain. Harm was regretting letting her even come undercover.

'Hey Harm,' her voice ripped him out of his thoughts.

'Are you okay Meg?' He asked gently, a hand on her arm. Meg grinned.

'Fine sir, it wasn't serious, I was just resting when you came in,'

'Your eyes were closed,'

'I was asleep. I just inhaled gas Harm!' Meg replied.

'I want to pull you out from undercover, conduct this investigation in another way,'

'I'm this close Harm.' Meg argued. 'Give me twenty four more hours,'

Harm couldn't resist those pleading blue eyes. That and he knew she was onto something with the evidence she had already given him.

'All right, one more day Lieutenant. When we're done I want to take you somewhere,'

Meg nodded. 'All right,'

Meg shrieked as she began drowning in the quick sand after rescuing the private guilty of murdering a Private Shuler. The other private pulled Meg in. Her screams were heard by Harm and Carrington, one of the drill instructors. Harm pulled her out quickly, after arresting the murderer.

'All right there Meg?' He asked after introducing Carrington and the Major of the base to Meg. She nodded.

'I'm fine sir,' Meg replied.

'You did it Lieutenant…how can we thank you?' Carrington asked. Meg shrugged.

'I don't know…Lieutenant Commander Rabb; don't we have some paperwork to do?'

'You're right Lieutenant, let's go.'

'All right Harm, where…' Meg asked him commandingly, but failing to maintain her strong demeanour after what she had just been through.

'Shh Meg, just calm down. I'm not kidnapping you! It's to do with your father. I can sense part of you is still grieving,' Harm replied, giving her a pointed look. He was trying to do something for her.

'Meg, I can sense part of you is still hurting over losing your dad…and about your mom and brother…'

Meg tried to stop the car. 'Harmon Rabb if you even…'

'Cool it Lieutenant!' Harm said, swerving to avoid another car. She glared at him and folded her arms in defiance. Harm saw a tear slide down her cheek, and he felt guilty about making her cry.

'Hey, Meg…I'm sorry, I didn't meant to make you cry. Hey…I'll be right there if you need me,'

'Really?' Meg turned to him, her face tear-stained.

'Of course…of course Meg,' He stopped the car and Meg got out.

'The Vietnam War Wall…'

'And look who's there…' Harm pointed to her mother and brother and Meg ran to them, Ben hugging her tightly. Her mom however glared.

'Meg Austin, what is your problem? Turning up at home, these letters in your hand and then leaving as soon as we've read them? Do you have any idea how much pain they caused?'

Meg scowled. 'And I thought that I was doing the right thing. Dad would have wanted you to have them mom!'

Mrs Austin narrowed her eyes at her youngest child. Ben saw the tension.

'Mom, we came here to make peace with Meg, not drive a larger wedge between us,'

'Please mom…' Meg's voice was little and far away. Her mother looked at her carefully.

'Meg, you look tired! What does that Commanding Officer of yours have you doing?'

'Nothing – just the usual. I've had a lot of work lately.' Meg replied. Harm watched the family together, Ben still with his arm around Meg protectively.

'Benjamin, I've heard enough. You set this up with whoever is waiting in that car for your sister. I don't need to be reminded of your father's death. I am passed that. Meg honey, I'm not angry at you anymore. You should've called.'

'Sorry mom…I didn't…' they slipped away from Meg after kissing and hugging her. '…know how to tell you…' She fell to the ground in front of the wall and Harm ran over to her.

'Are you okay?' he asked her, kneeling in front of her. Meg nodded.

'Mom forgives me,'

'Good…that's good Meg…' he pulled her to her feet and watched as she searched for a name. Her dad's name, part of the only memory she had of her father. She traced the name with her finger as tears ran down her face again. She looked over to Harm who momentarily did the same for his father's name before hugging her reassuringly.

'What do you say I take you home? You need rest,'

'Thank you,'

When Meg arrived home from work a week later, a rather large and bulky parcel was outside her door. Meg picked it up frowning, but a grin spread over her face when she read the return address. Her mother had sent her the photos of her father and some other things. She put down her things, and without getting out of her uniform, ripped the parcel open. A note fell out amongst the other things.

_Meg, I found the photos and other stuff you asked about, _

_Love Mom_

Meg slowly went through the pictures until she came to the one she really wanted. It was of her and her dad the day before his deployment had left. _I remember that day…_Meg thought sadly. _And the next day! _A photo of her dad in his naval uniform holding his little girl was the next one. Meg wiped some tears away and began setting aside photos to frame and the others would all go in albums. When that was done she went through the rest of the stuff. Her dad's old watch, his wedding band, which Meg couldn't understand why her mother had sent it to her, and other bric-a-brac.

'Wow Mom, you guys really have moved on…' Meg whispered to herself. She put the stuff in the box with the rest of her father's belongings and put the photos for the albums on top. She dug out two old frames she had bought for photos months ago and framed the last two photos ever taken of her and her dad. She put them next to her bed so she could see her dad every night and every morning. She looked at her clock-radio. It was already 11pm, and she had to be in early tomorrow. Curling up in bed, Meg touched the photos gently.

'Night Dad. I love you,'


End file.
